i wish i were eating some right now

On average, I eat In-N-Out more than 25 times a year. This translates to hundreds of burgers and fries to experiment with over the years. About 2 years ago, I perfected my order. Although the location I eat at may change, my order never does.

However, I must say, my favorite INO, pronounced "in oh," location is the one at 922 Gayley. For starters, it's in LA. This didn't matter to me before going away for college, but, now, eating there completes my experience of being back in LA. Also, my guy Romeo at the register is already accustomed to my ridiculous order, making both of our lives easier. I always take a snap of the metal 922 on the wall outside.

Anyway, back to the order. Once I'm at an INO location, I wait impatiently in a cloud of grilled onion perfume. "Next!" is Pavlov's bell that wakes me up and leads me to the cashier.

"Hi, can I please get a cheeseburger animal style with 10 extra"—this is the part where they look up at me like I'm crazy and I just lift my right hand and incessantly press an imaginary elevator button to ensure they put all of those Xs, since that's what [my] [cheese]burger's all about—"grilled onions, raw onions, as we—"

"Would you like extra raw onions, too," they ask, assuming I'm some sort of sicko who loves onions that much. Writing this makes me realize that I should probably ask for the raw onions first then the grilled onions to avoid this confusion. Noted.

"No, regular amount of raw onions please, and extra-extra spread. A fries light"—make sure they stop at this point and yell, "fries light down," otherwise, you'll be getting light salt and that's just terrible—"too and a cup of water. Thank you!"

Your receipt should look like this:

CHB
> Animal X X X X X X X X X X
 GR Raw X X S
FF light

My total always came out to $4.95, but they raised their prices a little, so I pay a whopping 11¢ more now!

I snap a pic of my receipt then wash my hands. I get some water and find a place to sit as I wait for, "[insert my order # here]!"

I always ask my man Mynor for 3 packets of spread when I pick up my order: half for the fries, half for the burger. I know I already asked for extra-extra spread, but it's never enough.

Then, it's time to eat! ¾ of the fries first, the nice little piece of cheese and onions on the wrapper, the burger, then the rest of the fries. I've mastered the one-handed burger hold, allowing me to continue holding the burger and preserve its integrity.

It's that "simple!"

For extra fun, ask for a hat and some stickers!

Vegetarian? Substitute "cheeseburger" with "grilled cheese." It tastes almost exactly the same.

Trying to be healthy? Ask for it protein style and you'll get a lettuce wrap instead of buns. It's surprisingly easy to eat this way and you won't be missing much.

Got a closer location? INO's incredible quality control guarantees you the same deliciousness. Warning: the ordering process might be bumpy, that is, unless I've been there before.

No INOs nearby? RIP. Click me: 🍔🍟

Sadly, this post was not sponsored by In-N-Out.